Use Once and Destroy
by missgirlgerms
Summary: Hermione spirals downward after a desperate move to Los Angeles. Will the return of her two best friends lift her out of the darkness or will she sink even deeper? Angst&Romace for: sex, drugs, language and possible&probable selfmutilation and slash.
1. She's been 12 city blocks

**A/N: I hope you all enjoy this story... it's inspired by the hole song of the same title... if you do not like reading about drug use, sex, self mutilation, and depression than please don't read this. A lot of this story is inspired by personal events. Have fun and please review so I know how to improve the story and what you would like to see. Thanks!**

**Disclaimer:Characters are JKs Ideas are JKs, plot is mine.**

Hermione zipped up her sweatshirt and lifted the hood to her head. She pushed her long, bushy hair (now nearly dreadlocks from lack of care) out of her face and stepped out of the diner back out the icy wind that swept down sunset strip. She checked to make sure her wand was still in her back pocket and set off down the street. After several, freezing minutes she saw him... bright red hair luminous even at this hour... She smiled and walked forward.

George was leaning against a dumpster, smoking a clove. "Hey," she muttered. "You got my shit?  
"Yeah I got it Hermione," he said but did not reach into a pocket, or move at all.  
There was a very pregnant pause. "Well? Where is it?"  
"I don't know about this Herms. You're sinking into this way too much. Yeah George and I toke every once in a while but this shit is just-"  
Hermione smirked. "I'm a big girl now George. I know what I'm getting into."  
"I really don't think you do... I mean look at you!"  
"Stop right there before I curse you into oblivion," whispered Hermione menacingly, pulling out her wand. "Now do you want your money or am I just gonna have to Summon the goods and disappear?"  
"Fine! Jesus, put that away will you?" said Fred looking around nervously. He pulled out a small paper bag and handed it to her. She pulled out some wadded out bills and handed them to him. Fred let out a snort of either disgust or disbelief but Hermione let it slide. "You got a light?" she said, pulling out a clove from her pocket. Fred tossed her the lighter. God, thought Hermione. I don't even use my wand anymore, I've resorted to lighters!  
"Hey drop me an owl... I'm staying at Luna's right now, we should all get together."  
"Alrighty... See ya later 'Mione... Be careful alright?" he pulled her in for a hug. Hermione smiled weakly and waved goodbye"

"Wake up goddamit!"  
"Merfshagleit?"  
"HER-MY-OW-NEEE! WAKE THE FUCK UP!" Hermione raised her bushy head. She pulled off her sleeping bag and kicked away the empty beer bottles and cigarette cartons that littered the floor where she slept. "What's for breakfast?" she said groggily. Luna sighed. "Listen Herms ... we've been friends for ages and you know I love you. But I said you could stay here for a week."  
"And?"  
"IT'S BEEN A MONTH! FOR CHRISSAKES HERMIONE!"  
Hermione bowed her head and sighed. Yes, she had stayed much longer than she had intended but she had hoped that she could possibly move in with Luna someday...someday soon.  
"Alright alright... I'll be outta here by tomorrow night, I promise. Now where's the damn mirror?"  
Luna chucked it at her from hallway across the room and began to perform cleaning charms on the room; bottles flew into the recycling can, stains disappeared from the carpet, and hair from Luna's many cats vanished from the couch. Hermione pulled the goods from her sweatshirt pocket. It had been almost three days since she'd last tweaked and she was dying for more. She pulled out a dollar bill and cut the coke into neat little lines. It was so nice to numb everything out.

**It's the emptiness that follows you down  
It's the ache inside when it all burns out  
It's poisonous it muscles it aches  
It's everything you had when it breaks  
It's the emptiness that's all you have left  
Too terrified of your frozen breath  
It's a bitter mouth it's buttered and knived  
It's the awful truth you fight for your life  
It might as well it might as well hurt  
It might as well it might as well  
I went down to rescue you  
I went all the way down  
Fill your hungry wretched life  
Here they come it's closing time  
It's the bitter root it's twisted inside  
It's the heart you used to have when it died  
It's the emptiness it poisons it lies  
It's everything that you'll never find  
It might as well it might as well hurt  
It might as well it might as well  
I went down for the remains  
Sort through all your blurs and stains  
Take your rapture blister burns  
Stand in line it's not your turn  
All dressed in red, always the bride  
Off with her head, all dressed in white  
Off with her head  
I went down to rescue you  
I went all the way down  
I went down for the remains  
Sort through all your blurs and stains  
Ooh, I will follow you  
Anytime anywhere  
Ooh, I will come for you  
Just say you don't care  
-HOLE**


	2. We're desperate, get used to it

Hermione had moved to Los Angeles out of spite. She knew the last thing Harry and Ron wanted was for her to leave... so she did. She despised the pair of them yet somehow felt guilty for leaving...but oh well. She had other things now to preoccupy her. Like where she was going to sleep. It was getting late... She had left Luna's that morning hell bent on finding a roof to sleep under by nightfall-but her determination had become desperation. She had only one option left. "Fuck," she muttered under her breath, lighting a clove and inhaling deeply. She had lived for such a long time without using magic on a regular basis, yet she often found herself absentmindedly stroking her wand, ready to pull it out at any sign of an attack. Resigned to a night of misery she pulled it out. 

A moment later she was on the doorstep of Fred and George's apartment. Loud music was booming and she could hear drunken laughter and bottles breaking. She rang the doorbell several times. She pounded and kicked at the door but no answer. "Goddamit!" she groaned, pulling out her want again and looking around to make sure no one was watching. She put her wand to her throat. "Sonorous"  
She kicked at the door one more time, hoping she wouldn't have to resort to this but when no answer came-  
"FREEDDDDDDD! GEOOOOORGE! OPEN THE FUCKIN DOOR!" All laughter died in an instant.  
"Quietus," said Hermione, de-amplifying her voice. Someone turned off the stereo and she could hear footsteps.  
"Hey Herms..." said Fred nervously. "Hey Fred how's it going? Listen, I was wondering if I could I could kip here tonight, I had to leave Luna's and I don't really have a place to go"  
George appeared at Fred's side. "Who the hell is it?" came a voice from the background... it sounded so familiar.  
"Listen... Hermione... tonight's not the best time"  
"Why! Who's back there?" she stood on her tiptoes trying to peak over them.  
"It's um"  
"Well Hermione its"  
"HERMIONE?" came two voices in unison.  
Hermione groaned. "I shoulda fucking known"  
It was Harry and Ron. They ran toward her and pulled her in for a hug. She did not hug back, but shoved them off and folded her arms. "'Mione..." said Ron weakly. "It's us"  
"I know it's you, I'm not blind"  
"You don't exactly look happy to see us!" said Harry, who looked highly affronted at not being greeted more warmly. All the boys reeked of alcohol and she could see a bong on the table in the living room. There was a pause and then.  
"Hermione... Don't tell us you're still angry about... you know..." said Harry slowly.  
"ABOUT ABANDONING ME? ABOUT RUNNING OFF TOGETHER ON SOME JOLLY FUCKING ADVENTURE AND LEAVING ME, YOUR FRIEND, BEHIND WITH NO PLACE TO STAY, NO FOOD, NO HOME, NO FRIENDS, NO FUCKING NOTHING!" she shrieked, her voice nearly as amplified as it had been before. Her two old friends looked completely unabashed. "You know full well that's not what we meant to happen!" said Ron.  
"Yeah well it fucking did!" She stormed off down the stairs and looked back up. Fred and George looked completely torn.  
"Hermione come up... Have a drink with us... Please?" pleaded Harry.  
Hermione paused for a moment. An hour ago she could never have fathomed getting sloshed with Harry and Ron... but now, though she hated to admit it... it seemed inviting. She turned around and stomped back up the stairs.


	3. Let's submerge

Within and hour the five of them where completely smashed. Hermione was lying on the floor, spilling beer down her front as she tried to drink and laugh at the same time. She could hardly admit it but it felt great to be back with her friends... almost as though things had never changed. Everything felt so warm and friendly. They passed a bong back and fourth and laughed and remembered... 

It had been seven years since the trio had graduated from Hogwarts, four since the Dark Lord had been defeated. Looking back, Hermione could hardly believe how much she'd changed. Once the revered and esteemed founder of the National Association for the Advancement of House Elves (NAAHE) and a top auror, now a Los Angeles burnout... And for what purpose? Deep down she knew Harry and Ron would never intentionally fuck her over the way they did... But the hurt and the abandonment still ate her up inside.

During The Great War, Hermione's house had been demolished with her husband to be, Roger Davies, inside it. After the funeral, Harry and Ron offered to let Hermione move into their flat until she found her own place. All her other close friends where moving to the states to work as ambassadors for the Ministry. However, on the day that Hermione had gathered up her remaining possessions and lugged them over to Harry and Ron's, the two where nowhere to be found. Hermione had tried everything to get into the apartment, from Alohomora to a Muggle locksmith but nothing had worked and no one seemed to know where they had gone. For five days and nights, Hermione slept on the doorstep. When Harry and Ron still did not show up she broke down and sent an owl to Ernie MacMillan at the Department of International Magical Cooperation asking if there where any more ambassadorial positions available. Before she knew it, she was on a portkey to Los Angeles. The money was good and Hermione did well-until the layoffs. She was evicted from her apartment and had couch surfed ever since. All the others broke down and found Muggle jobs but Hermione couldn't bring herself to suffer that indignity.

And now. This. It seemed unreal to her the beer, the weed, the comfort of her friends finally began to take affect. She closed her eyes and fell asleep.

A few minutes later, the boys noticed and picked her up. They took her to Fred's room and tucked her in.

"You know," said Harry as he and Ron got blankets out of a cupboard. "I always wondered why neither one of us ever went for her." Ron's ears turned red. He mumbled something about "being friends..." but Harry cut him off. "Oh come on Ron, you've always had something for her, everyone knows."  
"And you?" said Ron, now the color of a tomato.

"Of course, how could I not? She's beautiful and smart and strong as fuck!"

"Well..." said Ron, taking a seat on the couch. "I thought about it a lot after Hogwarts... making a move and all... but we where all so busy with the Order and then she was with Davies..."

Harry sighed. "But NOW, Ron, don't you see! There's no Roger now, no one else either as far as I know."  
"Harry I don't know about you but seeing her loss of a fiance and her present state of dereliction as an advantage is not in me. I'd rather see her married and happy then the way she is now..." he trailed off.  
"Ron, you aren't listening! We can't change what happened! I'd kill to see her happy and in love again but we can't bring back Roger. Maybe we can give her something else. Us"  
"Harry yer great but a threesome involving the two of us is just not gonna work for me."  
"I'm not talking about sex here. We should go for it. And if she won't have either one of us, we can at least give her friendship."  
"Harry! Do you evenrealize what this might do to _our_ friendship?"  
"We know better than to hate each other over a girl."  
"Yes but this is HERMIONE!"  
"Fine Ron. I don't care if you don't want to make a move but I'm not waiting for you to make up your mind."


	4. The execution of all things

Hermione awoke the next morning thoroughly hungover. She was shocked to be in Fred's bed but, upon realizing that she was the only one in it, almost wished she had spent the night with someone. She shook the thought out of her head. There was a knock on the door.  
"Mione?"

"Come in Harry!" she yelled. The door opened and in came Harry, holding a tray of waffles, tea, and grapefruit. "Oh Harry! You shouldn't have!"  
He placed the tray on her lap and sat down on the edge of the bed. "Consider it an apology... It's the least I could do after..."  
"Don't worry about it anymore Harry, it's all in the-" she paused, clapped a hand over her mouth, and ran to the bathroom. Several minutes later she emerged and Harry laughed. "As Hagrid might say... better out than in." She laughed and performed the Scourgify charm on her mouth. She sat down on the bed next to him and socked him playfully on the arm. She picked up the tray and began to pick at the waffles while Harry at her grapefruit.  
When Ron woke up, Harry was gone. Oh no, he thought, his head pounding. If he's where I think he is-  
At that very moment, raucous laughter issued from Fred's room. White hot rage pulsed through Ron. He stood up, strode across the room, and threw open the door. Harry and Hermione where on the floor, Harry trying with all his might to steal the waffle that Hermione was holding just out of reach.

"Oh-Hey Ron," said Harry, averting his attention just long enough for Hermione to kick him in the groin and stuff the waffle into her mouth. And then she saw Ron.  
The look on his face was truly remarkable, some bizarre combination of rage, disbelief, and fascination.  
"Ron... Are you all right?"  
"Oooh... yeah, of course. I'm fine and fucking dandy." He was smiling now, his words dripping with sarcasm.  
"Ron, what's up?"  
"Nothing, everything's fine!" his voice was cracking now, and Hermione swore there where tears in his eyes.  
"Ron, what the fuck's wrong with you? Come talk to me..." She put her arm around his shoulder and walked him out to the couch, leaving Harry in the room alone. Three hours later, Hermione was in the bathroom, doing lines on the counter. She was so frustrated. She could not for the life of her understand why walking in on her and Harry goofing off should upset him so much. She, on the contrary had quite enjoyed it... Having Harry on top of her had been pleasurable enough, even though she was sure his intent had not been to turn her on. She walked back into the living room to see Harry, Ron, Fred, and George standing around an old tuna can. "Three minutes lads..." said Fred. Suddenly, Hermione understood. "Where the fuck are you going"  
"Not us," said Fred gesturing towards George. "Just Harry and Ron"  
"Urgent business Herms. No choice," said Ron, not looking at her.  
"Send us an owl, we'll visit again soon," said Harry "30 seconds"  
"DON'T DO THIS TO ME AGAIN"  
"HERMIONE, WE DON'T HAVE A CHOICE"  
"10 seconds!"

Maybe it was the coke... or maybe it was her anger at being abandoned again. Before her brain had registered what her body was doing, Hermione drew out her wand and shouted "ACCIO PACK!" As her backpack flew into her arms, she dove toward the portkey.

"3,2,1!"

"Hermioneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee..."


	5. Lag Time

**A/N: To anyone who actually reads this (meaning nobody hhahahahaha) sorry the story's been on hiatus for so long... lack of inspiration I suppose...**

**Anyhow, enjoy.**

xxx

Hermione felt the knees of her jeans rip as she collided with the sidewalk. She flung out her hands to stop her face from getting smashed in. She rolled over and dusted herself off, noticing Harry and Ron doing the same. They where in the dark, dingy alley that lead to the Leaky Cauldron. Hermione's knees and palms where bloody but she couldn't have cared less. She was back.

She picked up her pack and smiled. "So what're we doing, huh?"

Harry and Ron stared at her in disbelief.

"Hermione!" shrieked Ron.

"_We_ aren't doing anything. You're going straight back to LA!" said Harry. He looked livid.

"Oh come the fuck on, don't be angry. You didn't expect me to just stay behind did you?"

"**YES! WE DID**!" shouted Harry.

"Harry, calm down..." muttered Ron.

"I** WILL NOT FUCKING CALM DOWN**!"

Just then there was a crack like a whip and Seamus Finnigan appeared in front of them.

"What the hell are you doing? Making such a- **HERMIONE?**"

"Shut the fuck up Finnigan." said Harry, grabbing Hermione's arm rather roughly and steering her inside the Cauldron.

Seamus lead them to a room at the back. All but Hermione sat down.

"Will someone _please_ tell me what the bloody hell is going on?"

"It's none of your fucking business Hermione." Said Harry.

Hermione felt as though he'd slapped her.

"What's she doing here anyhow?" said Seamus.

"She jumped the portkey," said Ron. He paused and looked up at Hermione. "Listen... Mione, it's really not safe for you to be with us right now. You need to go back to LA. _Now._"

"Remind me why it's not safe and maybe I will," said Hermione, completely dumbfounded.

Harry eyed Ron angrily. If looks could kill...

Ron inhaled deeply. "We're Aurors Hermione."

"I know that."

"Have you been following the news lately?"

"What do you think?" she said, sitting down in an arm chair and lighting a cigarette.

"Aurors have become targets. Most of them have given up the profession. Those who still actively practice the Dark Arts have been tracking down Aurors and killing their families... I'm sure it's been going on in the States as well."

"Aurors have always been targets though!"

"Yeah, but the surviving Death Eaters have been recruiting all over the world... they almost match out numbers now Hermione."

"Yeah but it's not like Voldemort's still around. It's not like they have a leader."

"They don't need one. They all have the same plan. They want the magical world under their control Hermione. And the less Aurors we have the better chance they have of gaining power."

Hermione didn't know what to think. She felt a lump in her through and angry tears filled her eyes.

"How many Aurors have we got left? Ron?"

"In the UK... 12. 13 if you decide to be active again."

"_NO_." said Harry, firmly."The risk's not worth it."

"Harry, he's right, you need as many as-"

"_NO._ That's final."

"Why do you have the right to tell me whether I can or can't start again?"

"He's Head Auror Hermione." muttered Ron.

"But... where's Lupin? Did he quit too?"

None of them could look her in the eye.

"Hermione..." said Seamus. "He's dead."


End file.
